You Oughta Be Out in a Convertible, Bird-Dogging Chicks, and--
by kandicoloredclown
Summary: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest AU. Prequel to "I Don't Watch Looney Tunes Anymore". Jason, Billy Bibbit's brother, embarks on a quest to find Billy a girlfriend, after Billy was hurt by his previous girlfriend, Tiffany.
1. Chapter 1

Jason Bibbit had been increasingly worried about Billy for a number of years, since Billy had broken up with his girlfriend, Tiffany. Tiffany had been the first girl that Billy had ever slept with, as Billy had outlined him, as Billy had a way of dispensing far too much information to him. Jason always reminded himself that Billy had no other friends, that he could tell these things to. But sometimes he quite easily forgot this.

"She had these," said Billy once. "soft, round…well, you know."

"Uh huh." Jason said.

"And for the longest time, I had to train myself…you know, I had to really learn to control my mind…when I thought of her."

"Right." said Jason uncomfortably looking at the TV across the room steadily.

Billy looked at the floor, his eyes darting up at him. "I…this…isn't making you uncomfortable, is it, Jason?"  
"No." Jason lied.

"Because…I think…well, we're men, the both of us, right?" said Billy.

"I guess so." said Jason.

"You're almost a man." said Billy. Sixteen, now. Right?"

It was at moments like this that Jason wished he could be anywhere but where he was right then.

"Sure, Bill." said Jason.

"I taught you about the birds and the bees, right?"

Very unfortunately, as Jason saw it, they had had such a talk, not so long ago in the scheme of things, as their father had died when Jason was five, and there was no other male in the house to do so. Jason had not had the heart to tell Billy that he already had known about it for quite awhile.

"Anyway," said Billy. "When we were together, just to look at her, fully clothed, even, could excite me. Even if she was wearing a parka, or a down coat. Just the mention of her name, even. Or the smell of her perfume."

Jason nodded, resisting the urge to bolt. "Uh huh."

"You see, I had to practically practice self-hypnosis…not to…not to…well, you know." said Billy. "When I thought of her."

Jason nodded uncomfortably.

"And then, of course, there's the other end of the spectrum." said Billy. "When we broke up."

Jason cared to hear the other end of the spectrum even less.

"I…couldn't get one, you know. " said Billy. "At all. The hurt of losing her was such…that I couldn't possibly. It hurt…even to breathe…much less…well." said Bill, a look of infinite sadness on his face. "For…for a year, I couldn't."

"That's…a very tragic set of circumstances." Jason said diplomatically.

And Jason really held this belief, and thought that it was made especially tragic in light of the fact that at the time of their conversation, it was five years after he'd broken up with Tiffany.

And Jason truly did find it incredibly tragic that Billy had not had a date since Tiffany in this whole time. Especially since all Billy did was spend his time with him, which mostly consisted of sitting at home watching television, some programs at which Billy could be found crying at the sadder moments, or listening to sad songs from the sixties and seventies, many of which Billy could again be found crying during. Elvis Presley was Jason's favorite singer, but after listening to him repeatedly, often with the sound of Billy's tears, it was enough to make him never want to hear "Heartbreak Hotel" again in his life.

Often, the television couldn't rescue him from horribly awkward, or bizarre conversations with Bill, usually involving strange experiences that he said that he'd had, or thought he'd had, while in the mental institution, or while experimenting with acid in the late sixties, or what he thought that the whorls in the wood of their coffee table, or the reflection of neighbors porch lights looked like.

"If I was still crazy," Billy said one evening. "I'd have thought those two lights over there looked like eyes watching me."

"Uh-

"But of course," said Bill, widening his eyes for emphasis at Jason. "I know better." Jason thought that this carried with it the implication that a person would need to be taught better, before knowing this, as though Billy really worried that Jason might have the same delusions as he did. But Jason tried not to hold it against him, knowing he had problems, but in the back of his mind, it was hard for him to accept that he had a brother who thought this way.

Often, these conversations took place on a night when Billy was on a "technology is evil" mood.

"Did I ever tell you about the time that I was taken to the third floor for shock, and Mr. Cheswick-

"Uh, Bill." Jason said. "_Bonanza _is on."

"I don't want to turn on the television tonight, Jason." Bill said. "Technology is sinister, the way it separates families. Keeps us from talking to each other."

Jason thought that was a good thing where Bill was concerned, but knew to keep his mouth shut, or suffer further lectures on getting back to nature, and technology's evils.

It had been a very bad few years, when Billy had first broken up with Tiffany. Billy had proposed to her after only one year, and Tiffany had laughed in his face. Billy had then gone into a deep depression, frequently going on crying jags, not getting out of bed for a week or more, and once, Jason had even seen him putting on her red lipstick. And crying while he was doing this. Apparently, he had used the hide-a-key at her apartment, and while she was at work, stolen her sweater, brassiere, and several items, of makeup. At this particular time, Jason had been ten.

Jason had been more than apprised of Billy's suicidal past by the time he was this age, by their mother, and by Bill himself, accompanied by stern lectures not to ever think of killing himself, which, at five, he never would have thought to do anyway.

Bill's depression over his heartless ex-girlfriend had taken its toll on ten year old Jason. The only one he could tell about it was his best friend, Anna. Anna and Jason had been friends since Anna was in first grade, and Jason in third. For an eight year old, Anna was wise beyond her years, partially due to her parents' divorce three years before.

"Can I come over to your house tomorrow to watch _Good Times_?" Anna had asked when they were on the tire swings at school. "Florida's going to try to help the boy who rides her bus."

Jason shook his head. "Nah." he said.

"Why not?" Anna said, frowning. "Mom's working late. She's gonna have to hire a sitter if I don't."

"Yeah…I know…but.." said Jason, looking at the ground.

"But what?" Anna said, frowning.

"Uh…it's just that…Billy's not doing too well."

"Oh." Anna said. "Is he sick?"

"No…he's just…he.." Jason shook his head.

Anna looked worried. "What is it?"

Jason sighed. "He is sick…he's depressed over a girl."

"Oh." said Anna. She looked puzzled.

"I…it's bad, Anna. I'm really worried about him."

"Mom gets depressed, too. Over men, you know." Anna said conspirationally.

"Not like this." said Jason.

"Why?"

"Because…Billy is different from your mom, Anna."

"Why is he different?"

"He's…he…I can't tell you."

"I won't tell. I like Billy."

"Well…it's just that...Billy has this condition…it's called manic depression."

"Oh."

"It's in his head. And when he's manic, he's cheerful. Joking all the time. But…when he gets depressed, he gets really sad, crying all the time, and stuff."

"Oh. Maybe my mom has it, too. She cries a lot."

"No, Anna." Jason shook his head sorrowfully.

"Why not, Jason?"

"Because…has your mom ever…tried to kill herself, Anna?"

"No." Anna said.

"Well, Billy tried to kill himself. Five times before."

Anna didn't say anything, swinging slowly on the swing.

"I'm afraid." said Jason. "I'm really afraid he's going to do it again now, Anna."

Anna frowned looking puzzled. "Why would someone try to kill themselves, Jason?"

"Because they're sick, Anna. In their head. This girl, Tiffany, has made him sick again."

"Can they go to the hospital, Jason? When they're sick and want to kill themselves?"

"That's what I'm afraid of, Anna." said Jason. "That he's going to have to go to the hospital." Jason looked around to see if anyone was approaching, and added in a whisper. "Again."

"He's been to a hospital before?"

Jason looked at the ground. "Yeah, but you can't tell anybody, okay?"

Anna shook her head. "I promise."

Jason sighed.

"Did they make him better?"

"I don't know, Anna." said Jason.

Anna pushed the swing with her foot thoughtfully. "Well," she said finally. "If a girl made him sick, maybe a nicer girl could make him better."

"Gosh, I don't know, Anna." said Jason.

"My mom just broke up with her boyfriend." Anna said hopefully. "I didn't like him, so I'm glad. But maybe…maybe if Billy could go on a date with my mom, he'd forget all about Tiffany."

"I don't think so, Anna." said Jason, but in his mind he was considering it.

That night, at home, Billy was in his room upstairs again, which he never left since Tiffany and he had split. Often, Jason joined him, at Billy's request, upstairs. Jason didn't mind so much, because he was worried about Billy, although sometimes Billy would ask him to stay all night, and sleep on the floor next to his bed. This made Jason uncomfortable, when Billy was so needy, and he would always wish that they could just joke around together, like they used to. Before Tiffany, although when Billy first started dating her, Jason had entertained high hopes that Billy would get married, and then he would be happy, and the pressure would be off of Jason to be his confidante. As much as Jason enjoyed spending time with his older brother, he wanted him to have another friend and companion, who was his own age.

"I was reading this book the other day, Jason." said Bill.

"What was it about, Billy?" said Jason, glad he was talking about a subject other than Tiffany.

"It was by this guy called David Lewis."

"Oh...I never heard of him."

"He's a philosopher. He came up with this theory that there are many worlds, with many counterparts."

"Oh."

"According to Lewis, many counterparts exist who are just like us, but different."

"Uh huh."

"Some could be different, but better." Billy looked at Jason through red rimmed eyes, in which there was a sudden excited gleam in them. "For instance," he whispered conspirationally. "There could be a world where…where she wanted to."

" 'She'? You mean-

"Shhh." Bill said angrily. "Don't say her name. If you say it, it'll make my heart hurt even more, Jason."

"I'm sorry, Billy." said Jason.

"You don't ever have to be sorry for anything, little brother. But the mention of her name breaks my heart all over again. If you say her name, I know I'll be thinking about her all night."

"Okay, then, Billy." said Jason "I won't say her name again."

"Good." said Billy. He looked reflective. "But perhaps there is another world. Another world, where she'd want to marry me. She'd be begging to in fact."

"Begging?"

"She'd want to marry me more than anything. In this parallel world. She would have hung her whole life on it. And do you know what I'd do?" said Billy, his protruding blue eyes positively glowing with a slightly demented-looking delight.

"What?"

"I'd laugh, Jason." said Billy.

"Yeah." said Jason.

"Not just a little chuckle, though, Jason." said Billy.

"Yeah." said Jason. "I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be."

"You know what it would have sounded like?" said Billy.

"Um…I'm pretty sure I do, Billy." said Jason, grinning. Once he overcame his shy, stuttering tendencies, Billy had a cackle that would have even made the Wicked Witch of the West envious.

"I would have laughed, Jason, at the very thought." said Billy. "I would laugh." He started to laugh, a loud, cackling, laugh. "You thought…" He laughed some more.

"The idea…that I'd marry you.." Billy laughed some more. "It's just hysterical." Billy said, laughing high-pitched, loud laughter all the while.

"Oh." sighed Billy, drying his tears of laughter. He shook his head.

Jason smiled. "Yeah." he said vindictively.

"That's what the parallel me would do, Jason." said Billy. "And the parallel Tiffany would be sweet. And contrite. Why she'd devote her whole life to me."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't want her." said Jason. "I bet she'll be fat."

The smile drained from Bill's face. "Fat?"

"Uh…yeah. Well, maybe a little plump." Jason amended. "Right?"

A long rictus of glazed, round-eyed, almost laughing disbelief stared at Jason. There was a protracted silence.

"I was just saying…because she hurt you so much." said Jason, laughing worriedly.

"Oh. Of course." said Bill, in a voice that was hideously calm, almost tremulous with laughter. "Because she hurt me so much."

"Uh huh." Jason nodded worriedly. "Because…I'm on your side, Billy."

"On my side." Bill repeatedly. "On my side. Of course." He smiled tightly, and nodded, his eyes shining with a dazed combination of tears and mirthful anger. "Well, you know what, Jason? If you're on my side, if you'd kindly refrain from calling my girlfriend fat, please." Billy said, his voice tight, almost faraway. His voice was quiet, a few shades even softer than usual, which was very soft. He seemed almost physically slack to Jason, almost like someone who was experiencing some sort of religious ecstasy, although that was certainly not a concept Jason would have put into words at that time, though Billy certainly was always reading such stories, usually ones written by Flannery O'Connor, who was his favorite author. It appeared to Jason that someone had taken a straw, and sucked out all the emotion out of him, leaving a puzzled, hypnotized, underwater expression on his face. His eyes looked luminous, even larger, and more round than they usually did, and they were definitely fixed on some spot that most probably wasn't in the room.

It was ten thousand times scarier than the angry, jaw-pointing outburst that Jason had expected. Jason felt as though he was underwater himself.

"Bill." Jason said. His voice sounded faraway to himself. The only thing he could think of to say, sounded ludicrous to his own ears, and beside the point.

"She's not your girlfriend." Jason said.

His jaw tightened slightly, which might have been an indication that he was heard, Jason wasn't sure, but Billy still had that luminous, eerie vacancy in his eyes.

"Bill, she's…she's not-

Bill said something in a murmur. Jason frowned.

"What?' Jason said, looking at him.

"I said please will you help me out of this dark place." said Bill, his words said in an impassive tone of voice, but an undeniable sadness was creeping through it.

Jason looked at him, unsure of what he meant. "I...what do you mean, Billy?'

Billy looked at him with an affectionate, sad sort of smile, barely a smile, since his eyes were filled with tears. He closed his eyes, the tears still not falling. He still seemed muted to Jason, but he was looking more aware now. He smiled a sort of a trace of a smile at Jason. He put an arm around him. Jason looked at him, unsure exactly of what happened, but also knowing that it was significant.

"Billy?" said Jason. "I'd help you out of the dark place. If..if I could."

Billy was silent. He rested his hand on one hand, and gazed at Jason thoughtfully.

"If you could." said Billy quietly. "If you could, but I've got to help myself." he said quietly.

It was at this that Jason's own eyes filled with tears. "But I want to." he whispered.

The tears that seemed stuck before fell down Billy's face. He squeezed his eyes shut.

"I…" said Billy. "It's okay, old buddy. It's okay."

Jason looked at him silently.

Billy sniffled. "It's just…it's a..a couple thing. It's not an 'us' thing. You know. It's not your fault. Women are odd creatures, but you and me, we'll always be pals." He looked at Jason, and his eyes filled with tears again. "You know?" he said, looking at Jason, almost pleadingly.

"I don't know." Jason said.

"You don't know, old buddy?" Bill said, looking at him worriedly.

"I don't. I don't know, Billy…I think it's more a 'you' thing." he said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Billy.

"Well," said Jason. "I don't really know. Except…maybe...maybe you'd act this way whether a girl broke up with you or not."

"Yeah?" said Billy, a vague sullen look creeping up on his face.

"Yeah." Jason said. "Maybe..maybe it's because you're sick, Billy." He looked at him.

"Sick?" said Billy.

"It's the manic depression, Billy, you know." said Jason.

"The manic depression." Billy repeated flatly.

"Yeah." Jason said sadly.

"Well, I guess me being a manic depressive makes my feelings that much less valid." said Billy. "Every single feeling I have, it's a result of 'the manic depression'?"

"I just…" Jason looked down at the ground.

"I guess I shouldn't have expected a child to understand the feelings I had and still have for a woman I loved more than I've ever loved any other." said Bill angrily.

Jason just looked at him, quietly.

"I guess I loved her with my whole heart and mind, and body as well, but that's not enough, is it? It's never enough, because it's a manic depressive's love. Right?" said Bill angrily. "Just like my words aren't enough for you. I'm doubted by you, even when I'm trying my hardest to reach out to you. Yeah, Jason, it's heavy stuff for you, I understand that, but I don't expect you to solve all my problems, or even any of my problems. If I had another friend to talk to, what do you think I'd do?"

Jason looked at the ground.

"I said, what do you think I'd do?" said Billy.

"I don't know." Jason mumbled sadly.

"I'd still talk to you, Jason." Billy said, his voice sad and pained. "I know...some of the stuff I talk about is pretty serious…but I wouldn't want to talk to anyone else about it. Because…because you're my best friend. And…that's not something you could find just anywhere. But of course I know you're still a kid. I wouldn't talk about any of the things..that I thought you couldn't handle. And there are plenty of things that I've experienced that I know you couldn't handle."

"Okay. Right, Billy." Jason said.

"But…" said Bill. "They're not things that _I_ can't handle."

Jason nodded.

"You shouldn't have said what you said. My feelings are hurt, Jason. Very badly, in fact." He glared at Jason.

"I was just trying to help." Jason said in small voice.

"Well, of course its true that I still struggle with manic depression. And someone who didn't have it might not have all these depressive tendencies. Of course that plays into my depression. But does that make my pain any less valid? No. She hurt me like no one has ever hurt me , Jason. You don't even know. She laughed in my face. She said that the love we had was never there, and it was a lie. It was. It was there. She said that she was just pretending, that she would have said anything to borrow 6,000 dollars. You know what? She's with some other guy now. Some other guy she was cheating on me with. Probably…" He trailed off.

Jason was unsure of what to say.

"But it's okay. That is, it just is. There's certainly nothing you should be expected to do about it, old buddy." He looked at him. "Except if you'd listen, that'd be real nice."

"All right, Billy. I'm going to listen. Okay?"

"Okay."

There was a silence.

"Billy?" said Jason.

"What is it, Jason?"

"I…do you you still love Tiffany?"

"I'll always love Tiffany." said Billy. "That's why I'm going through all this pain now. When you get a little older, you'll understand, old buddy."  
"Do you think…if you were to marry a nicer girl…you'd maybe…stop feeling so bad?"

Two lines appeared between Bill's eyes. "What?" he said incredulously.

"I…mean…maybe…maybe you should go out with someone different. Maybe you'd like her the way you liked Tiffany."  
" 'Liked'?" said Billy. He shook his head sadly. "Jason, you don't understand what the word 'love' means." He sighed. "If she doesn't come back….then it wasn't meant to be. I was meant to be single. Always."

Jason frowned, feeling sad and worried at the idea of this.


	2. Chapter 2

Now that Jason was sixteen, he honestly wanted to help his lonely older brother, because he cared for him, but also for other reasons. Billy was driving Jason crazy. Unless the two of them went out to a restaurant, or to the movies together, sometimes accompanied by their mother, which Billy objected to strongly, Billy never ventured out, preferring to spend all of his time with Jason.

Which didn't leave Jason much room to go out on dates with Anna. In fact, Billy always looked a little sour at the mention of Jason's girlfriend.

"Oh…that little dark haired girl. I thought you'd have started dating someone your own age, by now." Bill said one afternoon.

Of course, if Jason ever dared to say anything against Billy's slutty, hateful _ex _girlfriend, Billy would throw an absolute hissy fit.

"He's just driving me up a wall, Anna." said Jason one afternoon. "All he wants to do is stay home, and watch old reruns. And that's when he's not reliving the glory days at the loony bin."

Anna frowned.

"Don't look at me like that, Anna. That's what _he _likes to call it. It's like his college. Other people were in fraternities. Billy was a member of 'The Mental Defective League'."

Anna sighed.

"It's pretty sad. Those were his glory days. And those are the only friends he's ever had. Mr. Cheswick, and the Chief. Patients in a mental hospital."

"Well.." said Anna. "He likes playing cards, right? Maybe you could encourage him to find some people to play cards with."  
"He'd get all offended Anna. He'd ask me why he couldn't just play cards with me. He has no friends at all of his own, so he wants to be _my_ only friend."

Anna sighed, and shook her head.

"I think…if had a date, maybe he'd be happy. Then maybe he'd finally move _out _of the house. I'm older now. So he wouldn't have to be beating himself up over it _too _much, right?"

"Right." Anna said.

So Jason spent the next few months trying to think up a potential mate for Billy. Unfortunately, Anna's mother had gotten married in the interim, and had moved halfway across the country.

"He'd never have been able to satisfy what my mom wants anyway." said Anna.

"Why do you say that?" Jason said.

"Well…it's hard to explain, but Billy is too…sweet and nice. My mom doesn't like sensitive guys. She likes guys who run the show for her."

"Yeah…well," Jason said. "Maybe Billy's a little too sensitive to function."

So it was around the time of Jason's seventeenth birthday, that he ran into a casual acquaintance of his, Liz, at lunchtime during school. She looked a little glum.

"Greetings and salutations." he said to her.

Liz smiled, a little listlessly.

"What's wrong?" said Jason.

"Oh…it's nothing, really. It's just…my sister recently went on a date, and..well.."

"Uh..what happened?"Jason said.

"Well, you see…Sally is a little..plump." Liz said, biting her lip. "And…the guy wasn't."

"I see." Jason said. Liz's sister had graduated two years ago, and from Jason's recollection, she had been a great deal more than 'a little plump'.

"He…it was a blind date. Set up by a friend of our parents'."

"Right." said Jason.

"Anyway, the guy, after he saw Sally, all of a sudden made up some excuse about a virus that was going around his office,and said he felt 'fluish'. So then he left."

"Gosh, that's…not good. At all." Jason replied diplomatically.

"Tell me about it." said Liz. "Sally spent all night crying."

"That's just too bad." Jason mused. He looked thoughtful.

"And then she ate a whole carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream." Liz said in frustrated tone of voice. "I've _told _Sally time and time again, it will just make her problem worse. She's already nearly 230 pounds. Then she bursts into tears, saying I'm trying to say she's fat."

"Really?" said Jason. "Sounds familiar to me."  
Sally frowned. "It does?"  
"Sure, it does. She..mopes at home, taking offense whenever you offer advice?"  
"Yeah, I'm afraid so." Liz said. "She's very sensitive about her weight."

"She, uh…watch TV every night?"

"Sometimes. Or reads a stupid book every night. Her chewing usually drowns out the sound of the TV." said Liz in disgust.

"Huh." said Jason, shaking his head. "Does she like nursery rhymes?"

"Nursery rhymes?" said Liz, frowning in confusion.

"Yeah, nursery rhymes. Because I'm thinking, if you'll pardon me for speaking frankly, that she'd like to meet a nice Jack Sprat type fellow."

"Oh yeah?" said Liz. "Got one in mind?"

"Well…" said Jason. "Now that you mention it…"

"So…" Jason said to Billy the following night, after Liz had agreed to talk to her sister. "It's Thursday evening."

"Yes it is." Billy said.

"Tomorrow is, in fact, Friday evening." said Jason.

"Indeed." said Billy.

"You uh..you got any plans?"

"Well…I figured we could watch a rerun of _The Twilight Zone_. It's on at ten, you know."

Jason sighed. "And have to have your bedroom door open again, Bill?"

"Oh, don't be silly, Jason." said Billy. "That was only at a particularly scary one."  
"Talky Tina, Bill?"

"That's a bad one, Jason." said Bill. "It reminds me of a bad experience I had."

"Uh huh." said Jason, not caring to hear the bad experience again described to him in detail. "Well, Billy, the point is, that I will _not _be staying at home to watch it with you. Anna and I have plans tomorrow, you see."

"Oh, that little girl, is it?" said Bill.

"Bill, you know very well who Anna is, and it just so happens she's not a little girl. She'll be fifteen years old in a few months."

"Still younger than you." said Billy.

"So what, Bill?"

"So, I think someone your age doesn't have anything in common with someone two years younger, is all."  
"Well, thank you for your advice." said Jason. "I'll be sure to take it into consideration, okay?"  
"Well, I'm very glad to hear that. I really am." said Billy.

"Now, would you take some advice of mine into consideration.?" Jason asked.

"Well, of course." said Billy.

"Good. You see, Bill, you…well, you really need to…mingle." Jason folded his hands, looking at Billy pointedly.

"Mingle?" Bill frowned, confused.

"Right, mingle." Jason said. "And it just so happens that I know some very nice people that you could mingle with. Of the,uh…of the female persuasion, Billy."

Billy frowned. "Oh, Jason, no."  
"What do you mean, 'Oh no.'? You haven't even met this person, Billy. She's very nice."

"I don't care how nice she is, Jason." said Billy.

"Well, if you met this girl, you wouldn't say this. She's very attractive." And from what Jason remembered of Liz's sister, she was, apart from her weight problem, which Jason had decided not to mention. If Billy was anything, he was a gentleman, and Jason knew he would not run out, or make up some excuse upon meeting her, as the previous blind date had done to her. Billy knew that Jason would go on the date with her, to be polite, and heck, he might even hit it off with her. From what Liz had said, it sounded like they already had loneliness in common.

"I don't care how nice she is, and I don't care how attractive she is." said Bill, shaking his head.

"Why not, Bill?"

"Because…it would never work out. I love another."

"Well, this one's…also endowed in the…chest area." said Jason. And everywhere else as well, but he held his tongue on that. "And she's…well, she's twenty. Younger than you. I seem to remember you like that." Tiffany had been eight years younger than Billy.

"You really think that's what I look for in a woman, Jason?" said Billy, shaking his head sadly.

"Well…no. Of course not." said Jason. "But it, uh…always helps. Doesn't it?"

"Well, no, Jason." said Billy. "I don't happen to think it does."

Jason sighed, shaking his head.

"A woman has to be pretty special to get me to like her." Billy said. "Pretty special, indeed."

"How do you know that this woman won't be your, uh, special lady, Billy?" said Jason. "If you never even give her a chance."

"I just know, Jason." Billy said forlornly.

"Well, no. You don't, as a matter of fact." Jason said. "Billy, this girl…she's the sister of a friend of mine, and she _needs_ to meet someone special. Someone…gentlemanly, and, uh, sensitive. Such as yourself."

"She's too young for me, Jason. Fifteen years is just too young." said Billy.

"Right." said Jason. "But there could be special cases. This girl could be Ms. Right." said Jason, though he was growing more and more doubtful of that fact, given Billy's ridiculously high standards.

"Oh, I don't think that she is." Billy said. "You see, Ms. Right has already come. And gone."

"Oh, Billy." said Jason sorrowfully, shaking his head in exasperation.

"No." Jason said. "Billy, this could be…Ms. Pretty Good."

"I don't want Ms. Pretty Good. Or Ms. Right Now."  
"Bill," said Jason. "Uh…you know, maybe…instead of sleeping with all the lights on in your bedroom, like you do now, maybe you should…well, find a way where…you won't be so scared of the dark."

"What are you talking about?" said Bill.

"You know, Bill. Maybe a girl's presence would make you…less fearful of the dark."

"Oh, no, Jason." Bill said in a shocked, worried tone.

"I'm serious. I mean, you're…a guy, Bill. And not a monk. It just isn't normal-

Bill shook his head. "Oh, so you think that I should have sex with just anyone, do you?"

"Of course not, Bill. Not just _anyone_."

Bill had a worried frown on his face now, his unruly eyebrows were scrunched together. A look of meddling horror was beginning to form on his face.

"Jason, you-you…you and…you haven't…" His chin was trembling.

"For Pete's sake, no." said Jason, annoyed. Actually, he and Anna had slept together, though only once. But that wasn't any of Bill's business, and Jason thought his attitude was ridiculously embarrassing, not to mention archaic.

"You're so young, Jason." Billy said. "Not to mention, she-she's…

"All right already." said Jason, eager to change the subject. "We haven't slept together, okay?"

"Nobody else, either?" said Billy worriedly.

"Of course, no one else. I mean, I'm flattered that you'd think I'm so popular, but-

"Sex should be a beautiful thing, Jason." Billy said.

"Uh huh." said Jason, not caring to hear a lecture, or a musing on its beauties, for that matter.

"It should only be with that special girl." said Billy. "Your true soul mate."

"Right." said Jason.

"And if it's not…you'll just be degrading your bodies, you know."

"Right. Well-

"But when you've experienced it with your true soul mate…you'll never experience anything more beautiful or perfect."

"Right. Indeed." said Jason "And I suppose…you're trying to say that you've experienced this type of sex with Tiffany."  
"Tiffany and I didn't ever 'have sex', Jason." said Bill.

"No? I guess I misunderstood, then. I thought you were-

"We would never have sex. Tiffany and I would make love." said Bill.

"Oh. I see." said Jason, fighting an urge to roll his eyes.

"And it was beautiful. A wonderful thing that the two of us shared. I was quite a lover to her, Jason. As you know, she was my first."

_Not vice versa, I'm assuming. _"Uh huh."

"My first and only. And she…was unstoppable as a lover. Because that's what we were, you see. Lovers. I know how…how that must sound to the cynical mind, though." Billy said, looking pointedly at Jason. "The cynical teenaged mind."

"No…I didn't say that." Jason said.

"She would wear me out." said Bill.

"Uh huh." said Jason uneasily.

"I'm serious." said Bill. "She was absolutely insatiable. We'd be making love three and four times a day, and it would just exhaust me. I truly thought that I was going to have a stroke at the age of twenty-eight. She nearly killed me, Jason." said Bill.

Jason felt a nearly torturous urge to laugh, not to mention an urge to have the part of his brain killed that would retain this information, just like what Bill was always describing that had happened to Taber, who had been a fellow inmate of Bill's back at the institution.

"That's how much she wanted me, Jason. I'm truly not exaggerating when I said, I thought that I might die from her love. It was nearly too much for me, physically."  
"Sort of like a uh…marshmallow on a toothpick, then?" said Jason devilishly, having met Tiffany once or twice, he'd always thought of her as having a slight tendency towards plumpness, and knowing that even if she didn't really, it annoyed Billy no end to hear it.

Bill glared at him angrily.

"That is…one of those smaller marshmallows. Like you'd buy to put in your cocoa."  
"She was not fat!" Billy said irritably.

"Well, compared to you, anyone might appear rather…marshmallow-like. All I meant."

"Oh, that's all, huh?" said Billy.

"Yep." said Jason, relieved to be discussing anything other than Bill's former sex life.

"Now that shows a truly immature mindset, my friend." said Bill. "Tiffany was a lovely, lovely woman. A woman of rare beauty and grace."

Jason thought he must surely have been talking about someone other than the screechy voiced, sluttishly attired, Betty Boop type individual he recalled from his childhood.

"But it wasn't just her beauty that attracted me." said Billy. "It was something else, Jason. Hard to explain. A rare, unusual kind of chemistry we had between us. I knew when I first saw her."  
"Right. Well, I think that-

"And then…it was as though...I couldn't stand to see her talking to another man. Even if another man _looked_ at her, I could feel my blood just _boiling _in my veins. It was odd. Like nothing I'd ever felt before, not for any other woman. And I've nursed some _serious_ passions before that, for other women."

Jason hated to think about the ramifications some of those passions he was talking about had had, usually involving attempts on his own life. But curiously, it was the only woman that he'd actually had a real relationship with, and who had nearly destroyed his life, who was the only woman that he actually had not attempted suicide over.

"And that was how it was between us. I gave, and I gave, so much of my love to her. And she said I was the best she'd ever had. It nearly killed me. But it wasn't just the physical part of the sex that nearly killed me."

A lobotomy was sounding pretty good right now to Jason.

"No, it was the _meta_physical part of the sex that truly drained me." said Bill.

Maybe even a lobotomy with a butter knife.

"You see, my love for her was such…that the expression of it that went on between us…was taxing on my soul. You can laugh all you want, but the soul is real. It's not just a metaphorical thing, either. You see, in all of us, is an actual spirit being that comprises the essence of everything we are." said Bill, pointing to his chest.

"Right." said Jason.

"I know, see?" said Bill, looking directly at Jason in the very direct way that Bill always had of looking at people. "I know because I've been _outside _my physical body. In the hospital."

This was most definitely an even worse topic than Bill's erstwhile love life, as Jason had had to hear on many an occasion about near death experiences that Bill was convinced that had happened to him, in the mental institution.

"Right, well, you know, they were giving you a lot of uh, drugs ad such, and.." Jason trailed off, to see Bill glaring at him.

It was at this point that Jason started to question exactly how Bill would be able to date, even assuming he agreed to it, if there was the worry that he was ever going to act like this on a date.

"Uh…I was kidding, of course." Jason said. "Just kidding." Though he knew the damage had already been done.

"I pray for yours, if you don't believe in a soul, little brother." said Bill.

"I didn't say I didn't-

"You'd better if you know what's good for you. Because you know what? Yours is sticky, adhesive, right now-

"I know it is, but-

"Because once you do something like press the blade of a razor to your wrists, or…or worse, take a piece of glass, and…" He pointed to the scar on his throat, and looked down. "Well." he said. "It's like unsealing the cap from a bottle. Or putting a sticker back on the sticker sheet after you pulled it off. You see what I'm saying?"

"I do, Billy, and I wasn't planning to-

"Once you loosen it, in a manner of speaking, you're never sure if it got put back. Fully. Like you tossed away the anchor that was anchoring it to this, world, and you're never really sure if it's going to blow away. You know? From this side, back to the other one."

Jason personally believed that this was a lot of bunk, if there was a God, which he wasn't sure that there was himself at times, then He wouldn't allow such stupid nonsense as Billy was talking about, the ravings of someone who'd gone through a sea of antidepressants, shock therapy, and hours in confinement, to go on. Of course, he would greatly upset if Jason ever told him of his belief that this was all nonsense, he strongly believed in all this stuff. Though Jason couldn't understand for the life of him why it wouldn't be comforting to anyone to hear "You didn't actually die, and your 'soul' didn't leave your body, anytime, ever. For God's sake, it was just a drug/and or depression induced hallucination. Your 'soul' is not going to just up and blow out of your body, because there's no such thing as a soul, and even if there was, that's not how it would work."

But he knew from bitter experience, that it wasn't, and in fact, arguing this with him, seemed to distress him more than anything else ever would. He seemed to be happier believing that he had been "out" as it were, of is body for a short time, than the alternative.

"It could start climbing out while I'm asleep, that's what I'm afraid of. That's when you're the most vulnerable, you know. To the next world. Especially when you're half asleep. That's when your soul is halfway between."

Yeah, sure it is, thought Jason, beginning to regret that he had initiated a conversation about dating at all, which had led somehow to where they were right now, which, in turn, was partially the reason that Jason had wanted his brother to date at all, so he wouldn't have to be put through the stress of conversations like the one they were having right now. But he couldn't imagine any woman in her right mind who would be willing to put up with all of this, if he couldn't handle it from his own brother.

Conversationally speaking, with Billy, you were always out of the frying pan, and into the fire.

"I damaged my soul, messed around with it, you know, with my first suicide attempt, and it all went down from there. It wasn't even the most deadly one, that I had the out of body…it was far less dramatic than that. I simply…I saved up all the pills, and swallowed them all. But by that time, I had just pushed, it, you know, further and further out, with all the suicide attempts, until it just slipped all the way out, and I was dead. For a couple minutes. Until the night nurse came in, to check on me."  
Jason for the life of him didn't know how they'd managed to take the conversation to such a dark place, but here they were.

"I was without a body, you know, Jason." said Bill.

Jason sighed. "Bill, I think-

"It wasn't too much fun."

"In' the void', Bill? Is that where you were?" said Jason, with the tone of somebody who had heard the story too many times before.  
"Yes." said Bill. "Exactly."

"A cold, dark place?" said Jason.

"A few notes of skepticism from the viewing gallery?"

"Some members of the viewing gallery might want to slap you back to reality."  
"What you call reality, I call unreality." said Bill.

"That's…really deep." said Jason. "I mean, deep man."

"Well, 'man', " said Bill. "What I mean is, if you don't think that what I described is entirely possible, then _you're _the one who needs a slap back to reality."

"Just a little joke."  
"I don't think it was." said Bill. "But yes, you're right, it was a cold dark, place. No darker physically than the regular hospital corridor. But somehow…darker _spiritually_."  
This kind of talk irritated and worried Jason, irritated because Billy was so all-fired sure, that he would allow positively _no _argument against it, and worried him, because he was worried for his older brother's sanity, because he believed stuff like this.

"Anyway, after my soul slipped out of my body, I had to find a way to slip it back in." said Billy.

Good lord, these choices of words, thought Jason.

"So you were able to find a way back to your body. Coincidentally you managed to 'get back into' your body, just as the doctors were able to resuscitate you?"  
"No, before. When they resuscitated me in the infirmary, that was just when I achieved consciousness. My soul, you see, was already in there. The body is what has to achieve consciousness. The brain can't operate, without a soul, see? It's like a light, the life force that powers your physical body."

"Fine." said Jason. "Fine, then. I believe you. Ok?"  
Bill looked at him seriously. "I believe that you believe me." He looked down. "I wouldn't lie to you, Jason. I wouldn't even…believe me when I say that…my lying skills are rusty." He looked at his hands which were in his lap. "And...my insincerity skills never were there." He smiled wryly at him.

But not your self-martyr skills. Jason thought. Those were always there. But Billy kept looking at him with that lugubrious, sad smile, which made Jason feel like he was about to step on a wounded dog, a completely irritating, smug, and bullying wounded dog, but a wounded dog nonetheless.

"So, uh…did you ever tell…her about this stuff?"

"Tiffany?" said Bill. "Sure."

"I see."

"But you were the first person I ever told any of this stuff to. Before Tiffany, I told you everything."  
Jason could have made the argument that he had told him, a five year old at the time he first told it, way too much, but said nothing.

"And since, too. She wasn't a very good listener." said Bill.

"Right."

"But that brings me back to what I wanted to say. About the soul. There's been a great deal of damage to my soul. Abuse from Mom, you know. Being bullied in grade school. But the worst damage of all, I did to myself. Because of the suicide attempts, and all.

"So…you're saying you couldn't feel the way you were supposed to about Tiffany because all those things happened?"  
"No, not at all!" Bill exclaimed, hurt. "No, no…I...what I'm saying is, it nearly killed me to be expressing myself, my love for her…physically…but it wasn't the physical part that took so much out of me…it was that I had so much love for Tiffany, that it would have been impossible for me to express it all physically…and goodness knows, I tried. But the love I have for her was tiring. Not tiring as in boring, Jason. I mean tiring as in…it's difficult to explain, but it was tiring on the soul…because I had so much of it, so much that it hurt, and the reason that it hurt was that…I'm…I guess you would say that I'm broken." said Bill, his voice doing just that, slightly. "But it wasn't that I could have held all the love for her in my heart, and embrace it…I could have, and gladly did. But to love a woman at a time so close to all that trauma I had experienced in the hospital, was tiring, and it took so much out of me, to make love to her, to have such love for her, three and four times a day, that for awhile, I thought that I was going to die. But make no mistake, it was a happy kind of thinking I was going to die. I loved her so much, I was afraid it would kill me, not that I wanted to die. Just the opposite, in fact. But if I had ever had to die, the only place I would have wanted to die was in her arms, back then. I still would be, in fact."

Jason wasn't entirely sure what to make of all this, except it was creeping from his subconscious mind more and more to the forefront of his conscious one, that he was taking notes mentally on exactly how _not _to relate to women. Or men. Or animals. Vegetables. Minerals. Most amoebas, even.

But none of this was said by Jason.

"So what I'm trying to say to you, Jason, in the clumsiest manner possible, one guesses," said Billy a note of sad irony in his voice, looking up at him slightly. "is that I really loved Tiffany. With my whole heart, _and _soul. And I got to do that, in this life. Most people aren't fortunate enough in this life to find a love with someone like I had with Tiffany. And so I'm grateful that I've been able to do that, at least, and so, just the fact that I loved another in the way that I loved her, even if she ended up not truly loving me back in the way that I did her…well, at least she let me give her my love when we were together. And I know the meaning of the word love now more than ever, from experience."

None of this meant a terrible lot to Jason, as he had heard a variation of this sort of talk from Bill all his life, and it was mostly what he expected, and he wasn't at all sure that he had accomplished anything he was trying to at all, but was pretty sure that he might have heard some things that would be likely to remain, unwanted, in his psyche for years to come. He felt a little dazed after all this, so it was hard to tell.

"So I guess what I'm trying to say from all that, is that that's…that's what sex with a woman should be like, Jason. With the woman you love, which you'll find in your life, I'm fairly sure, though not at fifteen, one hopes." said Bill. "But anyway, that's where sexual desire…the right kind, at least, not the wrong kind for any old stranger, but for your...other, comes from. And you'll know when you meet her."

"Right…but Bill, what if there isn't just some magical "other" we're supposed to be waiting for our whole lives, Billy? What then?"

"Well, then…I guess you were meant to be alone." said Billy. "Alone, but happy. If you have a loving family. Which I do. You."

"Uh…yeah, Bill, that's the thing. It's not me I'm worried about. It's you."

"Don't worry about me." said Bill. "As long as I get to be your brother, and dispense advice to you, and just be generally recognized as an expert on everything around here, I'll be happy as a proverbial clam." Bill grinned at him.

"For Pete's sake," Jason muttered under his breath. "Yeah, but Bill." Jason said. "I mean…about this girl I wanted you to go on a date with…"  
"Sorry. Tell her I'm sure she's a nice girl, but I'm happier alone. I'm sure she'll understand."  
"Bill, for goodness sakes, no one is asking you to sleep with her. It's only dinner!"  
"Yeah? And what would be the point? To waste everybody's time? I know already that I have no attraction to this person."  
"Now how would you know that, when you hardly know a thing about her?"  
"Is she a curvy half-white, half-Asian girl with a little girl's voice?"  
"Is that what you want, Bill? You want me to find you a girl who resembles Tiffany? Because I'll look for one."  
"No, that certainly isn't what I want!" Bill exclaimed.

"Well…"

"Being reminded of her…all that would do is hurt me more, Jason! I can't believe you'd come up with something as sick as that."

"Yeah, _I'm _the one whose sick here, Bill." said Jason, shaking his head in disgust.

Bill sighed. "Don't…don't think I don't appreciate what you're trying to do for me, Jason. Really." Bill put his arm around him.

Jason sighed, shaking his head.

"But I've already made it clear." Bill said. "I'm not looking to date right now, or most likely not ever, to be honest. I'm to a place right now in life, where I've mostly forgotten about Tiffany, and the hurt she caused…at least, I've managed to block out most of the hurt by trying not to think about her. If I'm being perfectly honest with you, old buddy, you've been making me think about her quite a bit today, and it's not doing me any favors. But…you know, on the plus side, I do…love you." Bill looked at him with a kind of cowering, expectant little smile.

Jason would have been moved if he hadn't seen Bill look at refrigerator repairpersons, and wait staff in restaurants with a similar look before.

Jason sighed with resignation, shaking his head.

"Yeah, well, you know, I already…I'm already aware that you love me, since you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't."

"Yeah, yeah." said Jason. "I guess not."


End file.
